how do you want to feel?

So here’s the scene. I’m sitting on the back deck at Canada Olympic Park with the beautiful sun warming my skin. As I look around I can’t help but smile. Kids are cycling the chair lift with their bikes so pumped to rip down the mountain. The line for the luge is huge and the energy is palpating! I’m so into this vibe right now!

My daughter started a morning mountain bike camp here earlier this week. I’ll never forget day 1. There’s literally a sea of bikes parked out back. As we parked Layla’s I couldn’t help but wonder how on earth was she going to remember where her bike was amongst the hundreds! Given hers was clearly the smallest & brightest;), we parked it right in front, walked up the steps towards the lodge & looked back to review just once more where it was.

As we enter the day lodge, there’s a sea of boys! Tables are full with those of all ages, all levels. She grabs my leg & hugs me tight as we ever so slowly are directed to the back of the lodge where we find her level 3 preschool team with 2 teenage boys & a group of 5yr old boys all geared up in their biking armour ready to show off everything they’ve got. At this point Layla is still behind me, holding on for dear life. I introduce her, sign the necessary paperwork & invite her to sit next to one of her coaches and encourage her to join the other boys playing Lego while they patiently wait for the camp to begin. Still she hides her face behind me as I observe & absorb this incredible energy that radiates throughout this space. A few minutes pass, I begin to start encouraging Layla to integrate as best she can. She was so brave and with her bottom lip quivering she begins to grab some Lego and join in.

As strong as I projected to be, inside I was absolutely terrified! My thoughts went something like this, “omg she’s the youngest one here! where are all the girls? but why does that matter? I remember being in hockey camps with maybe only 1 or 2 more girls. is this really the kid to coach ratio? what if she can’t find her bike? she’s so scared right now, how can I possibly leave her? is this level even appropriate? maybe she should start in level one. is she really going to be doing drop offs and riding down the mountain? shouldn’t being able to tie your own shoes be a prerequisite for this? l  I think this is too aggressive. she JUST turned 4! technically that means she’s still 3 right? what if she hates it? she loves the bike, loves going fast, & loves a challenge…this is why she’s here! what if she has to pee and they’re out in the back trails?” I mean I was a complete crazy person internally.

I took a deep breath and reminded myself to stay as long as she needed me to & if I had to miss my yoga class, so be it. In that exact moment, a girl entered the lodge. Layla looked at me and said, “mom, you can go now.” Just like that! I left and she never looked back. In that moment I was just like enamoured with emotion. I was so SO proud of her! She can do anything. Anything at all. What an inspiration! When I picked her up she was full of mud and smiles. “Mom, I did a drop off! Let’s go tailgate!” Day 2 it rained.the.entire.day. Not a word from her. We geared her up in her rain gear and off she went. Again, at pick up, she was totally pumped. “Mom! I did so many skids & peddled so hard through the mud!” The week continued. The drop off got easier and easier. And on the last day as I sit here, amongst this amazing energy, culture…I look up. Way up the chair lift and faintly see a pink helmet. That’s her. After a few minutes I find myself following that helmet down the dirt path…she’s carefully bombing down, mid pack with her blonde curls blowing in the breeze. As she gets closer to the bottom she spots me and I see her face completely light up. “Mom! Watch this!” She’s so jacked right now. She arrives at the bottom.FULL.of.mud. Literally head to toe. As she waits for her team to collect, she looks over and says, “hey mom.” That’s it…she carries on to finish up. No big deal. She’s way cooler than me right now;) Again, doesn’t look back. And those 2 teenage boys, Layla’s coaches, they did an amazing job. I’m reminded of how hard teenagers work and thank them for doing their best, taking good care of our kids & encouraging them to trust themselves and their capabilities!

I continue to sit there. Just taking it all in. Feeling amazing. It’s been a difficult last month & a little bit. In fact, it’s been a challenging last few months. Maybe year(s)? I don’t know. I’ve thought about so many things to blog about. I’ve deleted numerous drafts. My monkey mind has completely taken over. I’ve felt completely grief stricken for far too long. And right now. I feel amazing. Actually the last week and a half after receiving the following message, I feel so damn good. Every morning I wake up and say to Layla, “how do you wanna feel today?” Her response.every.day, “great!” I intially told myself that all I wanted is to feel good again. Good. That’s it! But, just being open to the possibility and having the deep rooted desire to feel good brought me to a place of feeling great! Helps that I get to spend every day with my biggest fan & my greatest source of continued inspiration🙏

~Whenever you are feeling less than good, if you will stop and say, Nothing is more important than that I feel good—I want to find a reason now to feel good, you will find an improved thought.

Anytime you feel negative emotion, you are in the mode of resisting something that you want, and that resistance takes its toll on you. It takes its toll on your physical body, and it takes its toll on the amount of wonderful things that you are allowing to come into your experience.

—Abraham~

I’ve reconnected to my joy sources. I’ve taped back into an energy of appreciation. Of gratitude. My wounds are slowly turning into wisdom. I feel so light. So…happy. HAPPY! And being here. In this moment. Amongst this incredible energy, my vibration is off the charts right now. I am so blessed.

We leave the parking lot with excitement for post camp week sorbet! Within 4 minutes, she’s passed out;)

I park the car and marvel. My sweet daughter. She’s my miracle baby! This light. This love. I feel my sweet angel babies so close right now. Their spirit is within me. Around me. Surrounding me. Hugging me. This moment is indescribable. And so with all that’s consumed my mind, my body, my life…it doesn’t define me. It inspires me. It heals me. It frees me. It brings me to this place of feeling good. I think about the last month and a little bit. The phone calls, text messages, flowers, packages left on my front door step, borrowed books, cards mailed, emails…words of support, encouragement, understanding, love…I’m so grateful to all of you. From the depths of my soul, thank you(literally pressing my palms into my heart space as I write this). Thank you. I think about all the wonderful, authentic, real and deeply meaningful conversations I’ve had with others. And I think about that message from the Abrahams. The last week and a little bit when I made the decision to feel good again. Doing whatever it took. Starting to run again, attend group yoga classes, teach, laugh! My goodness, laugh!! I LOVE to laugh. I’ve started to really notice & admire everything from sunlight creeping through the blinds midday sending an artwork of light along the hardwood floors, to the tree leaves moving around in the breeze, to the way everyone goes amongst their day so differently, individually, no one way better than the other. It’s just felt so good…I’ve moved so many emotions through me. It’s all been so healing. So moving. So inspiring. So amazing! I feel so energized and full of life!

Where am I going with this? I don’t know. I don’t care. I just felt compelled to share. Just when we think life gets too unbearable & we feel absolutely defeated, we can always make a choice. A choice to feel good. How do you want to feel? Maybe for you it’s feeling supported, respected, encouraged, loved…Shift your thinking a little bit into feeling and notice what happens. It may take some time. Sometimes a long time. It did for me and I’m sure it will again but these moments, experiences, feelings I’ve had this past week are more than enough to make me smile. And for now, I’m going to absolutely bask in this feeling of bliss! & give my daughter a bubble bath as soon as we get home☺️

From my heart to yours,

Namaste

I love you. SO much!

Alisha~
Xoxo

One comment

  1. This is absolutely beautiful. I am so honoured I have been blessed with 2 incredible daughters and 1 remarkable son Your strength, honesty and love for your daughter and husband my girl inspires those around you to live each day we have on this earth to the fullest❤️ Your love shines through Layla🌞

    Like

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